chasing a five floor walk up.

@ home @ target.

this is t3. he’s just writing down some thoughts while we explore our city on a day in a summer past.

he’s exploring yellowstone this summer and probably filling a moleskin line to line with thoughts he can barely keep up with. not unlike his siblings, he is searching for ways to live out what energizes his soul and how that will fulfill a purpose that God planned forever ago. his heart is full of servant love and he seeks to love with grace everyone who crosses his path.

i love that these kids of mine explore. and i love that they walk out into the world with confidence.i know that God the Father has His eye on them.

i also secretly love when they call and say they are homesick. i got a text from t3 a few days ago that said he was in a target in washington and it was just like ours and it felt so surreal and made him miss home. 

i was in target later that same day. our target in our kansas home town. i didn’t see t3, but i had a brief encounter with a stranger that gave me pause.

i was looking for waterproof mascara in the revlon aisle as i was quite certain that i would be crying at a wedding later that night. i barely glanced at him -  but knew immediately - and as i passed by i was drawn to slow down and share this aisle with him for a moment and allow myself to experience the surreal sadness that i immediately felt. he was obviously exploring life. searching for a way to live out what he felt was going to fulfill a purpose that he believed had been planned for him. the long curly brunette wig, red silk blouse and over done makeup were to me signs of hunger. the red acrylic nails on his masculine hands were symbols of longing. the very strong smell of cheap perfume felt like a choice made as a result of a desire to belong. i barely looked at him but it took a brief second as we passed for me to notice him - and i wanted him to belong. i wanted to help him belong. i stayed on the revlon aisle pretending to shop and without ever making eye contact with him or speaking a word i stood there and thought about what kind of courage it must take for him to transform himself everyday on the outside into an awkward version of what he believes he is on the inside. what kind of courage does it take to walk out into  a midwest suburban town dressed as the person you long to be and attempt to shop with confidence within a genre that i could only assume was not one of familiarity. i wanted to offer advice. i wanted him to ask my opinion. i wanted him to belong. i wanted to tell him not to use so much perfume - and for real - don’t buy any if you can’t afford the good stuff. i wanted to say don’t use so much blush, lay off the lipstick, ixnay onyay ethay ueblay eyeshadowyay. and i really wanted to say never, ever use press on nails ESPECIALLY joan crawford red press on nails and absolutely NEVER try to cover up the fact that you lost a red press on nail by painting your real nail joan crawford red. for real.

i wanted to help this stranger fit into the world i know and love because i didn’t want him to feel lonely or out of place or homesick.

more than anything i wanted to tell him that someone i know loves him. i wanted to tell him that if he felt homesick in the revlon aisle at target because it seemed like it was the right place, but in reality it wasn’t, that i accepted him and that i knew someone else who loved him with grace.

i shared approximately three minutes of my life on the opposite end of a cosmetic aisle with someone i will most likely never see again, but who changed a piece of my life. in the short time that i stood pretending to shop while i was secretly hoping he would ask my opinion on eyeliner, i was praying an intentional prayer to our friend jesus who i knew was standing right there between us.  i certainly wasn’t the one who would help him feel accepted and it was quite condescending of me to think that a southern girl with a conservative upbringing could even begin to know what he was feeling, but i knew we had jesus in common - even if he didn’t.  i believe that jesus would have stood right there and helped him decide between blackish brown or blackest black mascara and then would have reminded him that he didn’t need to continue this facade, because he loved him. just because - and that he belonged. just because. 

i thought of t3 feeling homesick in target a thousand miles away. as much as i want him to explore - and as much as i love that he loves home, i want him to feel that he belongs where ever he is. my friend jesus loves my revlon friend just like that…and…

…He has His eye on him. 

the sisters

i have a friend who believes that the scriptures are a story. a very good story. a very good story embellished so that the reader will be inspired and want to read more. he also believes that there is a higher being or substance that created the universe and all beings placed here to enjoy it. further, he believes that we beings evolved from cells that were formed in the sea (or something to that effect…he lost me at evolved and cells). along with that, he confesses that everyday he says thank you to someone - or something that he cannot name for creating this incredible world we wake up to every morning.

when he sees a breathtaking sunset - he sees the beauty - and ponders the scientific matter that make up the blistering gasses that form the reason that caused him to pause.

when i see a breathtaking sunset -i see the beauty and stand in awe of a God who called the world into shape and created a reason for me to take a moment to pause and rest my soul at the end of the day.

i admire this friend of mine who chooses to believe in a story…while i believe in a relationship. he is a wise and intelligent successful man with a heart for people that truly could put some of my scripture touting acquaintances to sad shame. I respect his opinion and learn something new about an unexpected subject every time we have a real conversation. i also know that he respects my beliefs…and i feel that he has an openness to believing differently should he ever really feel it is merited.

my beliefs have merited change of late. not my core beliefs but my belief in by-laws and rules tied to religiosity. (i will pause here for the lightning strike). i have been challenged to believe not in bricks and mortar or religious affluence. i have also tired of the piety surrounding the supposed top five infractions that some would deem to be the foundation of all other sins:

1. Abortion

2. Homosexuality

3. Infidelity

4. Fornication

5. Being a Democrat.

i didn’t say I have lost my desire to be a person of high standards, integrity or morals - only that I have resistance against the presumption that sin is ordered according to severity…or that believers were called to place judgment on others who live a lifestyle other than one that is traditional. i am so incredibly blessed to have people in my life who live who they are…and do so with exceptional compassion and outstanding servant hood. 

( I might add that I am very staunchly pro-life - even more so now that a baby named willow was gifted to us).

i am awakening to the tug to serve wildly.

to live a worshipful life of grace and love during the traditional work week - not just for sixty minutes one morning a week. to even step away from organization on a summer sunday morning and listen to the sound of the city and the voices of people i need to connect with over a really good cup of coffee as a form of worship.

i am bent toward the diversity of lives that exist outside of the beige-ness of the city i live in.

i am inspired by the courage of those who sacrifice comfort in order to serve our friends who for reasons i very humbly don’t understand, have not been blessed with all they need - let alone a few extras. let’s call it social justice.

which makes me think of my friend. does he not know that his longing to serve the people he serves immensely every day, and the deep down desire of those who choose and commit to a life of sacrificial service comes not from a really good story - but from the author of love and grace?

i will admit that i feel a daunting feeling inside my soul when i think of what i truly know he is missing out on by not loving…and choosing to feel loved…by my savior. oh how i hope my life reflects the grace and love that is more than a story…and that maybe at some point he will pause to see a sunset or wake up to a summer day - and grasp that nothing that awesome was unintentionally formed by matter.

and oh how i hope that i have the courage to give in to the tug to serve wildly… much  like this…

 

…blessed when you’re hungry, blessed when you thirst - cause that’s when you will eat of the bread that matters most.

…

possibly maybe…

i think that possibly maybe i might have the four most heart inspiring children God has bestowed on any mama. with each of them what you see is what you get - and yet - there is so much more than meets the eye. my soul is filled with crazy love them for five hundred thousand kajillion reasons.

here’s number one…

courage.

…to be true to who he is.

… to live out his passion.

…to explore.

… to be wise at 15

                             um… what’s five hundred thousand kajillion minus one?

summer goods.

dear summer-

to date you have…

covered me  with inspiration in the courage of nineteen to twentysomethings who have given up part of you to guatemala.

made me feel ever so happy that the pursuit of a dream can be lived out on a west coast tour.

shown me the stars to the fine tunes of miles, tony and diana.

introduced me to some good people.

smiled on me with the adventure of watching felicity with t4.

showered a yummy sunday morning with a number one coffee and some exceptional conversation.

reminded me of the faithfulness of a heavenly father…in a tiny willow and a baxter box.

added sophia the herb lady rainy day saturday to my top five summer favorite memories.

bestowed another birthday to my outstanding first born.

here’s to more summer goodness…

which will most certainly include…

 the city market.